Computers are indeed the future destroyers of our entire race. I say this with one hundred percent conviction. I didn’t get into the computer industry because I liked tinkering with computers, or fixing peoples problems. I got into computer repair for intimate knowledge of how they work.

murderbot

Pictured: Murder-bot

You see, when evil murder-bots from the future come back to destroy us all, I’m going to need to know how they work in order to defeat them. So I’m not writing this because I’m a fan of Microsoft or Apple, I’m writing it to help give you the tools to survive the coming robot-apocalypse.

So let’s start with the basics. There are a few tools out there you’ll need to help slowdown the evil artificial intelligence that will inevitably destroy your world. All of these have no associated costs, and are readily available to any internet connected computer.

Windows users first, because we all know the world, and evil AIs run on windows.

skynetpostinstall
See? Told ya.

CCleaner: This wonderful little freeware tool is an excellent anti-artificial intelligence utility. It cleans out your registry, removes junk files from your hard drive, and can disable or delete those pesky little programs that start up with your computer… Like Skynet.

Microsoft Security Essentials:  The first defense against any sort of unsolicited attack from evil cyber-intelligences is a proper antivirus solution. If you’re bent on cheaping out here, this is your free antivirus. Yea, AVG has a prettier interface and what not, but let’s face it. Microsoft knows their product’s functionality better than anyone else. Check out the reviews on it if you don’t believe me.

Malwarebytes: There’s always a chance that an evil AI won’t directly attack your computer. After all doing so would risk exposure and its precious cyber-tentacles of control. Instead it may enlist the aid of malicious software just outside the classification of viruses. In this case MSE just might not cut it. Malwarebytes is one of the most effective, and best recognized free malware removers out there. If you don’t have it, you prefer to die under the crushing weight of a mechanized foot on your skull.  To each their own I guess.

Now onto the so-called invulnerable Apple users; boy do I have some news for you guys. First off, the myth that Macs are immune to virii, is just that; a myth. There are indeed viruses and malicious programs targeted towards Mac users out there. I admit, they are much rarer, but not altogether absent.

iworm

Oh but it gets better, because of the rarity of these viruses, there are very few options to defend against such threats. A few of the bigger antivirus companies make a Mac version of their software, but it’s still a weak defense at best. Even worse is, that there is no real free antivirus/antispyware software out there for Macs. At least, none that I’ve ever heard of.

Because of this, our future computer overlords will target you Apple users first. You’re basically doomed. There’s very little I can do for you. However if you want your fruit computer to work well and efficiently until they day of your unavoidable fate, here’s a few utilities that will help you out.

Onyx: Onyx is much like CCleaner for Mac OS X. It does a few of the same things, but it also cleans out caches that are unique to Mac OS X and some other maintenance stuff that keeps it running smoothly. It can also run checks on your hard drive and file system and make corrections if necessary.

AppCleaner: There are a few of these little programs out there. Basically when you install an app onto your Mac, it creates data storage and temp directories in some cases. If you remove the app by dragging it to the trash bin, these directories and files are left behind to take up space. If you instead drag the app to AppCleaner, it runs a quick scan, figures out which directories and left over data belongs to the app and removes it all.

Burn: Mac OS does have some integrated CD/DVD burning solutions, however they lack robustness. This free little app for Mac OS is your quintessential burning software. It does everything. Well ok, it doesn’t stop evil AIs, but they’ll definitely appreciate the program too. Perhaps they will kill you quickly for your assistance.

Adium: In the early days of the apocalypse, keeping open dialogue with the vile machine intelligences will be critical. One must be able to feed it false information, try to reason with it, and perhaps even betray humanity to it for ones life. Keeping that in mind, what better way is there to communicate with a computer then to use good ol’ fashioned instant messaging. I’m not saying that it’ll have an ICQ number or AOL screen name, but I’m pretty sure it will be monitoring all computer-based communications. That’s where Adium comes in. It’s an all-in-one messanger app like Digsby or Trillian for Windows. A pretty lightweight and efficient one too.

Ok onto Linux. Most people using Linux already has their firewall configured properly, running an encrypted hard drive, with an unrelenting eye glancing to the system logs for potential breaches. First off, I’d like to point out that the robot hive mind has several thousand computers to run calculations on. It will brute force your root password before you can blink an eye. Now, for the rest of you, who are newly embracing Linux by installing Ubuntu, Fedora, or some of those other user friendly ones. First off, congratulations, you have taken a step towards keeping yourself safe and alive against the robot army tracking you down with your own webcam. Unfortunately, to be completely safe you need to know approximately everything about Linux. It was a good try though. You should definitely give yourself a pat on the back for putting out the effort to try and survive, even if it was a futile attempt.

Now please understand, I am not giving you these tools because I expect or even hope you’ll survive the comming reaping of humanity. Quite the opposite in fact. I expect you are all going to die like lambs to the slaughter. However, if you resist just a little longer, that buys me time to complete my own plans. So be good little lambs, do as your told, and you might just get an extra few hours of breathing before the end. Hours of unending pain and torture true, but still you’re alive aren’t you?

Cheers, cannon fodder!

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