Numbness.

As my eyes passed over the words staring back at me, I felt nothing but a touch of liberation as I assessed them. They whispered to me things like “betrayal” and “endings” but I didn’t really take their weight to heart. I was free of the waiting and wondering about what would or could be. I was free of the uncertainty my heart held for so long.

Anger.

As the breadth and width of what I was seeing started to touch deeper into my mind, I realized how unfair it was. Those words were delivered in a cold, cowardly fashion and it made feelings of angered grief come to the surface. “Good riddance” was my mantra for the rest of the faulted paradigm I was being encircled by.

Frustration.

I wanted to tell you how much of a coward I thought you were. I wanted to explain how you didn’t understand anything about the moon that brought you to me, and the stars that I stared at dreaming of you. But I had no way, no chance to do so. I couldn’t get passed the barrier of reality that separates us now.

Sadness.

Then I saw you. My heart raced, and my mind screamed at me to do something, anything to try and get you to understand what you have done.  It wanted me to cry, beg, scream, and kiss you all at the same time. You were naught but a few feet away, and everything that I had previously wanted to say welled up to the surface. But I did nothing. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t do that to you. You made your choice, and though it has killed me a thousand times over since I saw you, I refuse to try and take that choice from you.

Hopelessness.

It is indeed the end, as your betraying words said. This reality has settled over me with a depth of blackness I have not experienced or seen for a long time. All those beautiful, sparkling seconds have turned sour and meaningless. Everything we experienced together, be it good or bad is just a faded mirage of what it was. Perhaps it didn’t happen in the real world as I once thought. Perhaps we were both just lying to ourselves about the numbers. About the world we thought we were in. I don’t know, but I have no hope left to analyze it with.

Blackness.

I hope you’ve made the right choice for yourself. At least, that small conciliation could bring meaning to what you have done. I don’t really know where your future lies. I could never turn the pages of your book as I can with everyone else. You were always shrouded and protected in your many languages. I just wish you’d once opened up to me. In the end though, the meaning is lost upon you.

Goodbye my moon flower. Your vampire cowboy will miss you eternally.

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