In this case, the fear of being alone even when surrounded by friends and loved ones. A side effect of my ability to adapt and become ‘in balance’ with the personalities of people around me is that I never am truly one of any particular group or social structure. And so though I may have a great deal of friends and family, there is always a sense of disconnectedness from all of them.

So the fear of actually being as isolated from the rest of reality as I percieve myself to be, causes the need for companionship to grow even moreso. But moreso, it makes for a lovely cocktail of self-loathing and depression. Granted, the Mask prevents me from actually wallowing in these feelings for more then a few minutes when I am around others. But alone.. well. I have other defense mechanisms in place for that. It starts with a sappy song of some sort. Maybe two if I am extra masochistic that day. This of course invokes further delving into an atmosphere of helplessness and powerlessness. Then the mechanism kicks in. I well up anger and rage. I throw on my most aggressive music, and with a bottomless well of hatred, convince myself that I am better than everyone else. To be fair, I am better then most people, but everyone is a little pushing it.

The fucked up thing about it is. I see this pattern and yet cannot seem to break it. I can and have traced it back further than this of course. But the root problem.. well that’s something for most of you to wonder about for the rest of your lives. Sharing time is over kiddies. Fuck off.

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