A few days now have passed since the beautiful nightmare managed to cut through every emotional block and mental wall I put up over the last decade. I thought maybe by now the emotion would dim back down to its previous place and the wound would heal, but it hasn’t. I find this both confusing and disturbing at the same time.

The primary problem with this situation is that, I thought I was past all this. I thought I had managed to push through these emotions once and for all and move on. I thought the worst was over. So why now?

My room mate and best friend seems to think that it has something to do with facing my shadow self and evolving beyond some spiritual and mental barrier. Others tell me that I cling too tightly to the past and it is causing me these problems. I can’t see either being true. For one, how does crippling me emotionally serve the purpose of helping me evolve, and for two, I hadn’t even really talked to her in awhile.

I mean I am no ancient shaman, or psychologist for that matter. But I would like to think with 19 years of magical & occult practice and more then a little experience with the darker, more unpleasant side of the human psyche, I would know my own mind and soul just a touch better then others seem to give me credit for.

Not that this is of course suprising to me. Those around me mean well, I know they do. But alas their own egos interfere with their judgements and opinions more then they realize. Their advise and words, nearly quote by quote from books and such. Thanks all, but I’m more willing to trust myself on this one. I got through this the last time alone, I will do it again.. maybe.

The point remains however that this is somehow different. That the barriers weren’t just wounded and cracked maybe, but utterly destroyed. All that emotion that laid dormant pours out constantly, tainting my very perception of the world around me. I’ve lost all interest in those utterly mundane pursuits I followed before. I find it difficult to even relate to those who care aboutt me without the bitterness of loss making me angry. They don’t understand, they cannot understand, and their half-hearted platitudes are not helpful.

Hell, even she doesn’t really understand. And I don’t expect her to really. I guess everything didn’t mean nearly as much as it did to me. I’m fine with all of that though. I just… need to find a way to turn it off. To go back to the shallow emotioned drone I was for the past decade and pretend this whole hellish thing never happened.

Yeah… fuck.

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