The weather today reminded me of that day at the Ranch. That’s how it always starts. Some small detail. Something that chips away at the crust of time and devious attempts to bury the past. Do you remember that day? Tromping through the nearly virgin snow like two children. Staring up at the man on his iron horse way up high.

It was cool out, I think. I can’t really remember, I was too busy introducing you to my small world. Letting your blazing red hair burn itself into it forever. Your eyes tearing into my soul with every sidelong glance, matched by that breathtaking smile. I didn’t really know love until those few short days we shared.

You told me once that it would get easier in time. I’m sorry, but you lied. The pain never faded like the paint on my nails or the black in my hair. I just grew around it and adapted to it. I learned to bury it pretty successfully. But like today, it sometimes breaks through and reminds me of what I lost. You were my world you know.

It starts with something small. Something that chips away at the crust of time and devious attempts to bury the past. A single tendril breaks through, and starts to spread until my whole body and mind is on fire like a torturous inferno of emotion. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I just stare. But everytime, my mask breaks and I just can’t pretend anymore that I don’t miss you with every bloody fibre of my being.

Everything that has come after has been a pale mirage of what we had. Every relationship has been a desperate attempt to recapture what you gave me in the short years I could call you mine. They all have failed of course, brutalizing my soul just a little more when I realize on some level that nothing will never be the same as you and your fiery hair.

You showed me so many things. You taught me so much. And hurt me so completely. No, I’m not blaming you. I’m just remembering today. You say we’ve changed over the years. Yeah, we have. But no matter how much we change, we’re still the same soul, same core being. And I always believed you were my soul mate. Still do really.

So today, please forgive me, but I cannot wear the mask. It’s cracked, scratched and dirty anyway. I’m sometimes amazed that anyone is fooled by it anymore. Funny how that works. So here I lie, in a pool of memories past and images of your beautiful face. Wishing tomorrow would come faster, with a small rose quartz fox buried in my blackened heart.

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